I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
