i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
