Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
vagina is talking i cant
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
