Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
