Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
