Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
