Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
