these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
