I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
