Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Randomize
