Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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