I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the condom got lost in my hair
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
