I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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