You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
