the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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