Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
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i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
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She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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