I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
