these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
