i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
