Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The Olympian is in my bed
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
