I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
