Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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