for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
