shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
