If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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