I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Someone shit on the floor
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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