when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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