It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
