hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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