I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
