Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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