I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
