Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
