You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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