I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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