i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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