listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
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There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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