She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
