Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
