My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
