It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
