i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
