meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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