tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
