I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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