I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
