The maid of honor just puked.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
