Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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