Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
