I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
