btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
