Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
