if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I want a musical about memes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
