I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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