Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
