he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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