Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
