I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
